This is a difficult post to write for me as i have generally swayed away from personal issues that affect my general way of life! I have not got the courage to actually write about a bigger issue that i have too but someday i will write the post! I hope that this post will not make you think i am a "fruitcake" as we say here in Ireland and i will still try and be the positive Hollie that i try and come across as on twitter!
Everyone gets nervous or anxious from time to time but for some people,anxiety becomes so frequent that it takes over their lifes and this unfortunately has happened to me! My anxiety has got to the stage where i now have an anxiety disorder!
I am constantly worrying about everything to the extent that it is interfering with my day to day life! I am even out of work for 2 weeks as i write this post!
Some examples of how my mind goes are as follows!
If i dont know where i am driving to,i get so flustered that i will for sure have a panic attack and infact am a danger on the road to me and everyone else! I will spend the whole time in the car in a total panic!
I have to meet an old friend in August and feel that i just dont want to do it even though i love this person and it is playing on my mind even now, 2 months before it will happen and i think about this every day without fail! This is a form of social anxiety that has also got hold of me!
Generally if i have to do something or talk or meet someone on a certain day, i cant function that day at all and spend the whole day totally stressed out! And also will not have had any sleep the night before!
I really dont want to go out at all but i also dont want to let my BF down if he has a night out planned! I worry about the clothes i should wear that night! Will people think i shouldn't be wearing platform heels for example! These small things play on my mind, always! Should i be wearing longer skirts but i am still in my 20's, just!
I hate getting a phone call or a text and i get into a nervous state before answering the phone! I spend alot of time day and night worrying that my phone is going to ring! Even when i log into twitter (which has helped me so much) i am worried about the notifications that i may have! This however only happens when i log on in the mornings!
I have major problems sleeping at night and most nights i just lie awake worrying about everything and nothing at all! This leads to me being constantly tired!
I dont enjoy practically any meal that i eat any day and sometimes just eat for the sake of eating as it has to be done!
These are only a few examples of so so many and these problems are linked to another problem that i have but i am just not strong enough or brave enough to write a post at the moment!
I was actually inspired to write this post by a lovely friend of mine when i read a tweet of hers tonight "Forever looking happy on the outside but feeling so sad on the inside" and it just hit home!
I never speak to anyone about this, family and BF included and for some reason,i feel that just maybe by me writing this on my blog and publishing it, it may just help me!
This post is a post that depending how i feel after publishing it, i might just go on and write another one about a mental health issue that is linked to this one but it will be a very dark post should i write it and to be honest, i am actually afraid to put my thoughts down in print!
I just put this post together at 2am knowing that i have to be up in the morning and i am so stressed out at the moment! I really should be getting some sleep but i just cant! I feel so tired and worn out!
As i am writing this is real time and it's now 2.20 am, i have just recieved the most wonderful tweet from
and this has really cheered me up so much and brought a tear to my eye! Twitter and the blogging community and FPL community have helped me so much that i cannot possibly thank you all enough for! Things would be alot worse for me if i had never made the friendships that i have made within these amazing communities! Every day is a battle but i am trying and i am not a "fruitcake" lol,
thanks for reading,