TODAY 06/07/15

I had every intention to write a post reviewing a beauty product that i should have purchased today but rather than doing this i am doing a post about today and how things started off so well and now i feel so down that i cant even describe it properly! I feel like i am broken!

I got up around 11am thismorning and felt good but i knew i had to do the shopping and i dont like doing the shopping! Anyway i went online and checked my emails etc and checked out twitter! All good and i am in good form.

After lunch i went and got the shopping and while out,i decided not to buy that beauty product that i had in mind! I was out without any makeup and began to feel a little down in myself but this was only a little! When i got home i went on twitter again and had a couple of lovely chats with some lovely friends! I then noticed that FPL was open to re register and i was excited at this!

Had dinner and sat down afterwards with my BF and just started to watch tv! Xpose is on,my fav show but they let me down as i won a prize on their show and i never recieved it,i think i am the only one to never have recieved their prize,i feel so disappointed with this! I think about this every day! After a while,my head just started to go all over the place, an advert for Coca Cola came on. The song "What Are You Waiting For" as part of their Choose Happiness Campaign! What's all this about,you cant just choose happiness,well i cant! I hate the song,i hate the add and it annoys me so much! Right now i cant be happy!

This add did not trigger how i am feeling and i am writing this down as the thoughts are going through my head,this post is not thought out and is just happening. I am sitting beside the most wonderful man i have ever met,i love him and he loves me,i dont want to lose him,i dont think he will understand! He's going to be embarrassed of me,i dont want to let him down,i want to tell him i love him but even though i do i cant say it,i am too down to say nice things!

I have to meet a friend soon who i have not seen in a long time,i dont want to,i dont want to have to meet up with anyone. Christmas will be upon us soon,i dont like christmas anymore,i cant be happy,i dont want to go to my work xmas party,i cant pretend to be happy,i dont want to go back to work,i cant be nice to people,i am a nice person but i dont want to be false!

I have nothing to look forward to tomorrow,i just want to sleep and sleep all through tomorrow and wake up Wednesday,but what is there to look forward to on Wednesday,nothing!

I dont want to go to bed,i am not tired but really i am exhausted but i wont sleep,i never ever get a good nights sleep,ever,i am so sick of this,i know i will be still up at 3am!

I got excited by the impending return of my fav game #fpl earlier,now i couldn't be bothered at all but i dont want to let the guys and girls down,i will never do that!

I feel worthless!

The battery on the tv remote is playing up,i think i am going to lose it soon,make sure you dont Hollie,it's not fair on him,he has done nothing wrong,he has been lovely to me tonight,he loves me and is so proud of me,

"what's up darlin,are you ok" he just asked me,
"nothings up,i am fine"

i am not fine at the moment,i am messed up with my thoughts,i fell like crying,he sees me crying alot from watching something on tv,please put on something that is sad and i can cry and he will think it is because of the tv programme,wheres that remote, Big Brother on tv3 and it's emotional with letters from home!

The tears are flowing now,i am sad watching what is going on in the big brother house but this is only a small part of my sadness at the moment! I cant be happy!

"You fancy a drink" he just asked me,
"yes but there is no wine,i dont fancy one of your beers"
"no problem darlin,i will go and buy you a bottle" he just said

He is mad about me,i know that and i am mad about him,will it change if i tell him about my issues,no way i will tell him tonight,i cant do it,i want to but no,i dont want to lose him!

He has just left to buy me some wine and is due back in about 10 mins,i feel horrible,why does he fancy me,am i attractive,i have no makeup on now,i dont feel pretty,i should have made the effort today!

Maybe i will feel better after having a glass of wine,maybe i wont as i cant just flick a switch,how could my day just turn from being fine and ok to how i feel now,i dont know!

This post is probably all over the place but so am i,

Hollie